A Christmas Memo

The other day, I was sitting with my friends talking about the upcoming holidays and all the good spirit we will spread around this season.

My last few columns were saccharin-laden thoughts of a world of group hugs and sanctimonious musings and introspection. But as I mused this week, we spoke of the year-end gang memos, e-mails and family photos that tell you how well little Bobby is doing in soccer league or how Ron got the big promotion he had been hoping for for the past decade or the company that IPO'd.

I had wanted to counter with my own holiday testimonials, but I was accused of being too sarcastic. Here is the letter I have drafted but not yet sent.

Dear Friends:

What a year we had. Little Billy was expelled from Charlton Heston Elementary School when he showed up with his dad's handgun and set off all the alarms. What a rascal he is, and we are now home-schooling him.

My wife's dad starting using the Internet to find dates, and guess what? He met a terrific lady, and she has been taking him to all these bars where there is only a two-tooth minimum. Edna's son Bryce was arrested for petty larceny, and guess what!!??? He got into the minimum security prison in Flagstaff! It was his second choice, but they were granting early admission, so we are pretty darn pleased.

Steve's nephews are growing like weeds! Well a family of weeds, actually, since his sister married her first cousin Merle, but they are working their way through the gene-pool problem with the wonderful folks at the Genomics Consortium.

Rick was all set for his big promotion in November when he made an inappropriate remark to one of his co-workers. Our lawyer thinks 70 hours of community service at Sheriff Joe's Tent City will be sufficient to keep him living home with us, but that ankle bracelet has been scaring the dickens out of the twins.

Greg bought a new Porsche that matches his Cole-Haans and now he is totally color coordinated. Great-Granddad moved in with us, and he's as spirited as ever. Last week we found him wandering around the new Desert Ridge Marketplace in nothing but a raincoat. Talk about being lit up like a Christmas tree! Ken came home from an exciting business trip to Hong Kong and found his wife, Betty, in a funny situation with the gardener, but the good news is he also does stone work, so in return for not shooting him, Ken got him to flagstone the front walk and pool area.

The twins saw their mom start one of those Cumbaya yoga classes and they begged for their very own yoga mats. They love showing off their yoga poses just like their mom, but the school has asked that they do that only at home.

Remember Virgil's son Clyde? Well, he finished his undergrad program in Utah and started following this exciting new religious leader where sacrificing something important to you is part of the indoctrination, so it looks like we'll have to buy ourselves a new spaniel to replace the one he set on fire. Rex was turning 84 in human years, so he had a good life.

Remember when Pete and Sue returned after all those years having lived on a grow-your-own commune? Well, looks like cousin Ted thought poinsettias were edible. The doctors say he should be off the respirator real soon and almost as good as new.

Did you read about those poor people starving in the bad part of town? Well, Deb called Missy from her mahjong club, they hopped into the Lexus and drove down to do their part. They came home crushed that none of these people wanted Bobbi Brown lipstick or knew what a bidet was. You would think with satellite TV and the Internet, the world would be a lot more connected!

As you can see, our life has been just as rosy and exciting as the ones you have shared with us. I say next year we try this out: We all get a grip, put our lives in perspective and ponder this revelation: Why is it we buy things we don't need, with money we don't have, to impress people we don't even like? Happy New Year!